


In Earnest

by TheGoodDoctor



Series: Group Targets [29]
Category: James Bond (Craig movies)
Genre: M/M, The Importance of Being Earnest AU, What do you mean this au has no AO3 tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-29
Updated: 2016-10-29
Packaged: 2018-08-27 18:14:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8411524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGoodDoctor/pseuds/TheGoodDoctor
Summary: Bill's friends go Wilde in his absence.





	

“So,” Bill says, leaning his elbows on the table, hands in prayer before his mouth, staring intently at the table. “Let me get this straight. Correct me, won't you, if I get anything wrong.”

The other four at the table shift awkwardly with mild guilt.

“You,” he says, pointing at Gareth but not looking up, “call yourself Earnest in town, and Gareth in the country.”

“Yes. I can have more fun as my irresponsible brother,” Gareth explains. “It's a good excuse for going to town as well.”

Bill nods. “You,” he says, turning to Q, “are his ward, and stay in the country.” Q nods. “You, Eve, live in town.”

“So I knew Earnest, and he knew Gareth,” Eve says.

“Yes. James, you knew Earnest but then figured out what was going on, yes?”

James leans back smugly in his seat, tilting it onto two legs. “Wasn't too hard.”

Gareth shrugs. “Took you almost five years, but sure.”

“So then you stalked him to his country house-” Bill continues.

James thuds back on all four legs. “ _Stalked_ is a bit strong. Followed?”

Bill waves a hand. “If it makes you feel better. Once there, you introduce yourself to Gareth’s household and Q as Earnest.”

“And make a real nuisance of yourself,” Gareth says grumpily. James winks at him, grinning broadly.

“You flirt with Q, and get engaged.” Q nods happily. Bill frowns up at him. “You'd known him about a week.”

Q shrugs. “It was a fairytale romance, Bill.”

He considers this. “Short courting period, not founded on real knowledge of the partner, and little to no knowledge of said partner’s name. No, there you have me; that _is_ quite fairytale.”

“Hey,” Q objects mildly, but without any real effort.

“Meanwhile, Eve pops up from town to visit her rich chum, whom she would quite like to marry for monetary convenience but of whom dear mama disapproves.” Bill looks up at Eve and Gareth, grinning and astonished respectively. “Do correct me if necessary.” Gareth looks at Eve, who shrugs.

“Why does your mother disapprove of me?” Gareth manages.

Eve shrugs. “You're after her job; caring for me. She says she wants to leave me in a better state than she found me, and therefore isn't done yet.”

“Savage,” James says, more than a little impressed.

“Anyway,” Bill continues. “You obviously know Gareth as Earnest and ‘Earnest’ as James. You tell Q; cue _he was engaged to me first, you damned harlot_ discussion.”

Eve and Q grin at each other. “In the course of which all becomes clear,” Eve adds.

“And then you team up against us,” James says sulkily.

Bill rolls his eyes. “And I cannot emphasise enough how much you two idiots deserved it. Anyway, then there was some kind of musical number -” James and Gareth grin proudly at each other “- for some reason, which, oddly, worked? I will never understand you four.”

“So now James and I are really engaged,” Q says happily. “I'm thinking a spring wedding.”

“Summer, surely,” James says, wrapping an arm around his shoulders.

Q twists in his hold to look up at him. “No, spring is so much nicer! Perhaps around -”

Bill is looking distinctly like he's lost the thread of his thoughts. Gareth looks seconds from losing his marbles. Eve takes pity.

“Then mama came down,” she prompts.

“Ah, yes, and says no one can get married; because fuck you, that's why.” Bill brightens up, back on track. Gareth puts his head in his hands.

“Concise _and_ cutting,” Q says, smirking. James squeezes his shoulders.

“But then the power of true love and legitimacy solves all problems - I don't know.” Bill waves a hand and sighs. He surveys the table of his grinning friends disbelievingly. “I went away for a fortnight, chaps. Honestly.”

James claps him on the shoulder. “Oh, Bunbury Bill. You always were most of our impulse control.”

“I was actually thinking how well you were doing in my absence,” Bill says. “What other stupid things have you all done?”

They pay the bill and wander away from the Ritz. “We are insulted by your doubt,” Gareth says.

“We'd never do more than one stupid thing per fortnight,” James laughs.

“It wouldn't fit in the diary,” Q says seriously.

Bill shakes his head. “I thought you'd say you'd told everyone I'd died or something.”

The awkward silence stretches into the night.

“Why would we do that?” James says weakly. “That would be stupid, even for us.”

If Bill’s eyebrows go any higher, they will be in real danger of burning up in the stratosphere. “What the bloody hell have you done,” he says, dangerously.

Eve grins falsely and pats his shoulder. “Maybe just stay away from mama.”

“For how long?” Q asks.

“Forever?” Eve says hesitantly.

Bill sighs and puts his head in his hands. Gareth pats his shoulder. “Cheer up, old man, your funeral was lovely.”

“Very emotional,” James says, nodding seriously.

“And tasteful,” Eve adds.

“I shed a tear,” Q says solemnly.

Bill looks at them incredulously. “I wasn't invited to my own funeral? That was the only chance I would ever get.”

James shakes his head very sadly. “Poor Bunbury, you were much too sick.”

“So frail, all your life,” Q sighs mournfully.

Gareth gasps and puts a hand to his mouth. “I'm sorry, it's too much. I miss you so.”

“But he was a real fighter to the end,” Eve says, sounding choked up.

Bill shakes his head. “Well, at least there's that.”

**Author's Note:**

> Oscar Wilde, I hope you're proud of me.


End file.
